At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
