i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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