My first STD was from a foam party
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
