"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
