i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
