Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
