I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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