Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
