The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
