the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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