Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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