My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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