i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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