oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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