so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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