i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
