I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
