All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize