Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
