and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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