What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
