she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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