I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
