I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
