Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Randomize
