he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
there is another microwave in the elevator.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
