he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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