I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
