Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
