My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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