I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
