Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
