He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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