Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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