Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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