I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
