All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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