I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
