he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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