Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
