apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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