So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
