Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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