census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
