Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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