Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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