if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
