You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
