I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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