just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
