I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
