He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
