grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
