you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
