I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
