i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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