I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
