Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you never un-have a 4some
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
