Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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