I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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