That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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