Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i think i have two assholes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize